A Motherless Mother's Day

This will be the first Mother’s Day that I will celebrate without my mother. My first Mother’s Day in 2008, was her last Mother’s Day. I wish someone had told me that I would have to learn to be a mother…. without a mother.

So many questions. So few answers. Sleepless nights. Wondering what my mom would do or say in this situation. Wishing that my mom had a chance to meet my daughter. Sad that my daughter will never know my mom. Hoping that I can be as great of a mom as mine was. Praying that I don’t make the same mistakes mine did.

Contemplating my every mommy move. Thinking would my mom approve. Crying out of loneliness. Rejoicing that she is in a better place. Wanting the courage to give her belongings away. Putting it off until another day. Hoping that I made her proud. Singing Sometimes I Feel Like A Motherless Child. Counting the days since she’s been gone. Though it’s been nearly ten months, it doesn’t seem that long.
Asking myself why me, I needed my mother Lord how could you let this be?

Yet in all my questions, in all my emotions, I stand strong knowing that my mom was ready to move on. Though I wanted her to stay, she had to go. So, I let her. I let her go physically, but I will never let her go in my heart. I will cherish the memories and the moments that she and I shared for 33 years. I will hold onto them. I will relive them. I relish in them. This is all I have left. THEY are enough to get me through today and hopefully tomorrow.

Though I will not be able to look at her face to face and tell her how much I love her, I have a feeling that even now, she knew and she knows. In this, I can find some level of happiness and joy!

So, Happy Mother’s Day Momma, I love you!

...And that's All I CAN say